My Funny Major Medical: Off the “Charts” Humor From An All-Star Cast
Hospitals, doctors and nurses and all the things you need to know about a profession that is supposed to cure, heal, fix and make you well has been summed up in this book. Now, for those of us with a sense of humor you might think that these stories are hysterical. They really are quite funny. For those of us that look deeper into them and try to find the hidden messages that the authors might be relating, don’t worry I found them for you. My Funny Major Medical will expose the good, the bad and definitely the awful about hospitals, doctors, bedside manner and much more.
Medical Blues: my term for how I feel every time I encounter people in the medical profession or have to call an insurance company for answers on the phone. Wait time- external: Exam time: Minute: Compassion: nil or shall I say depending on whether the doctor had his coffee or not or got up on the right side of the mattress that morning. Co-pay your prerequisite or requirement for being seen. Let’s just say a group of really talented authors with wild and bizarre senses of humor decide to put together a collection of stories that will make you go to the pharmacy and possibly buy some depends or huggies, depending on your size because you just might need them if your bladder is full and you laugh too hard and the end result you can figure that our for yourself.
The first story is titled: Bedside Miss Manners by Karla Telega one of the editors of this book. Now, this should definitely hit home and get your wheels of thought in motion. Operations are not fun especially if you’re the recipient. Imagine and I do know this from personal experience: You wake up too soon and feel the needle the doctor us using to stitch up and just a touch well, more than a touch of pain. Ouch! Or shall I say DOUBLE OUCH! So, what does any good doctor do: make sure they put you out even more and the nurse although she tells you it is okay you do realize that it’s not. So, what are the proper ways to treat a patient? What are some of the issues they need to address to make our operation more to our liking and our stay more comfortable: the author came up with these really important things: First, if it is 50 cent beer night in recovery and the patient is awake and thirsty: Offer the poor bedridden person some. It just might perk them up. Next, when any patient gets that awful bedpan and needs some privacy don’t stop and do your nails, fool around with some doctor in the linen closet or leave before removing the pan so it does not leave its outline on the patient’s butt. How awful is that! Next, never stick a new mother in a room with a screamer. After doing her own fair share of that during the delivery why would anyone want to listen to another person just getting started. There is much more but you get to read it for yourself. But, I am sure you can get the picture!
Next, hospital humor from “Dr. Jollytologist,” or aka: Allen Klein. Now, we all need to realize that hospitals are not going to provide any kind of laughter for the patient. Basically, they are supposed to just care for us and make sure that our stay is short, productive and hopefully successful. But, how many of us ever ask to read our medical charts, get a copy upon leaving, or even look over the shoulder of the doctor to see what he is writing. Well, let me enlighten you with what our next author found out and shared with us:
Here are some excerpts from charts written by medical staff: Now: due to the privacy act I cannot reveal everything they wrote but I was given permission to you all they wrote just some. To find out the rest you are going to have to buy the book and read it in the privacy of your own home for yourself:
First: entry three: “Discharge status, alive, but without permission.” I guess the patient wanted to leave and the staff was upset that he/she was still alive. You figure out why. Next, “Patient left his white blood cells at another hospital.” I do hope he left his infection there too and what about the red cell. Hopefully the patient finds them. Now, here’s one that might make you wonder: “ Patient was releases to outpatient department without dressing.” You can understand that one on your own. Finally, “ Patient refused an autopsy.” I guess they ask before because after well you know.
The third story I would like to spotlight is “ Your Recent Stay with Us Barb Best. It is a letter or survey to the patient asking that person to assess their stay and hopefully help the hospital to improve. I will ask you some questions but to take the survey you either have to go to this hospital and check in for an operation or like I said read pages 21-24 yourself. Remember: Privacy laws only allow this reviewer to reveal just so much!
The letter begins with Dear Patient: It starts with asking the patient about his/her stay but the words crossed out allow the reader to know that the person or staff considers that you might think your stay horrific or even traumatic. So, what are some of the important questions that you might be asked and what do they mean?
First question: “ Were the healthcare providers- even the snotty night shift nurses- reasonably attentive to your life and death issues? Hopefully you might say yes. But if not I would definitely add your own thoughts and comment. Of course most hospitals are smoke free and lucky for you this one is sleep free too. Do the question is did the hospital staff respect this rule? The moment you dared to drift off did they at least wake you up? What about the less than gourmet food? Was it at least as awful as the foul food in your school’s cafeteria? If not tell them how they can improve! What about your blood test: Did you bruise and hopefully get black and blue? If not then the nurse or doctor needs more practice in applying more pressure. Finally, one more if at any time during the surgery you woke up and screamed bloody murder, asked or cried for your mommy or did you text your lawyer? Hopefully you did not do any of the above but lucky of you we hope you remember nothing! Throughout the book I hope that you learn all of these helpful hints, understand the protocol in hospitals and hopefully don’t bust a gut or pop your stitches after reading this book.
World Wide Worry by Janet Nicholson really tells it all. The net provides us with tons of information that we can use to understand what doctors do not tell us in order to find out more about what might be wrong with us. But, according to our author there is a group of people that some call THE HYPOCHONDRIAC, that uses their limited understanding and medical knowledge gained from the net to diagnose themselves, worry about themselves and make sure their friends and families. The author reminds us that there are millions of medical sites and this person spends tons of time on them. She tells about a woman she calls Aunt Phoebe who no longer around. She suffered from every disease known to both men and women. She had all of the same diseases that her friends had and she even thought she had prostate issues. How? You would have to ask her and she’s not around anymore. Aunt Phoebe’s symptoms were more pronounced and severe than everyone else and she enjoyed confusing and baffling doctors. But, as a secretary for a gyn, she provided her own assessment of a patient’s illness and you can guess what the doctor did as a result. If you want to learn more about her and her sage wisdom log on to www.auntiephobewillfixit.com. There are so many humorous stories in this book it would take three full reviews to spotlight all of them. So, I will tell you about three more and the rest you are on your on. “Specialists’ Opinion on ObamaCare Country Club Poll is next. Now, you ask what the American Medical Association thinks about the new health care package. Allergists wisely state that are in favor of scratching it! Dermatologists thought more about it and decided they should not make any rash moves. But, Obstetricians realized that everyone was laboring under a misconception and wisely the Ophthalmologists considered the plan shortsighted. There are others that weighed in but let’s get to the one who came up with the answers: the Proctologists they won out, leaving the decision up to the ……….in Washington. You fill in the blank.
Doctors do make mistakes but how many admit them? Just to let you know that they are human and often make mistakes let me enlighten you with the story titled: Chart talk #2: Purloined Hospital Records: Imagine going to the hospital and the doctor writing on your chart that “ the patient has been depressed since seeing me,” namely the doctor. “ The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.” “ The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.” Sound good to you! Finally here’s a classic: “Occasional, constant and infrequent headaches.” I guess you have to decide which one fits you. Well, okay I will give you one more: Patient was alert and unresponsive. I guess you were not dead, your eyes were opened but too afraid to move or speak. To find out what other great and intelligent eye opening medical quips the doctors wrote read pages 90-91 but are your own risk.
The stories shared are really funny and the lessons learned many. Goodbye Poop: A Child’s Primer to a Healthy Colon: Richard Brown. For all of you over a certain age or others that enjoy getting tubes stuck up your better end this one is for you. The author states that he was inspired by experiencing his own colonoscopy: Here we go!
Using the story Goodnight Moon as he framework he begins:
Hello laxative followed by hello throne and you know what comes next. Goodbye poop, goodbye soup and guess where that might lead. Goodbye urine, goodbye gas, goodbye odors …..you know where those came from. Of course there is much more but I think you will understand the gravity of the situation on your own if you either experience the fun of having a colonoscopy or just read this hysterical account of what the author remembers. Now, don’t forget he’s supposed to asleep! So, goodbye consciousness, hello sleep, goodbye procedure and hopefully he did not hear a peep. The rest: you figure it out. Read Medical Humor: Various Newspapers and Journals to learn more about what you can find out just from reading the articles. There is more but I have told too much and you remember the privacy act. The last one is a riot: Signs You Have Joined a Cheap HMO from “Placebo” page 161. To learn more and laugh until you need a case of depends: Read this book. It is funny, hilarious and definitely quite informative.
Fran Lewis: Reviewer
There are so many authors that contributed: you can read about them on pages 162- 174. This is worth the read .
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